Something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately has been the differences between “types” of sex and sexual intimacy and encounters. It’s something that both The Leather Daddy and the Femme and PoMoSexuals made me think about a lot, because they both talked about male-female sexual interaction in a non-straight or non-hetero way. They recognized that males and females can interact sexually with each other in a queer way.

One of the main purposes of queer theory is actually to highlight and embrace the fact that no sex is normal/vanilla/straight, or, really, the opposite is emphasized: that all sex is queer. Very little aside from heterosexual missionary for-procreation-only sex is considered acceptable by our fucked up society, while the majority of people have sex that could not be categorized within that extremely narrow social definition.

Granted, ideas of acceptable sexuality have been evolving lately, but I wouldn’t say other types of sex have become any more acceptable, they’re just recognized as “what everyone does” which isn’t exactly an endorsement, though I’ll admit that my vision on this may be skewed by the last two years living in Utah. However, I really don’t think it’s just Utah talking.

So what’s the big difference between queer sex and straight sex? Aside from the usual definition of the sex of the partners (but that also brings into question is it the sex or the gender that matters?) it’s subtle, and may have a lot to do with intention. Can queer hetero sex include missionary sex? I say of course! The wonderful thing about the orbit(/label) queer is that it is very open to interpretation.

Most often the participants of queer sex are queer people, but that brings into the question of what makes someone a queer person. I’d argue that anyone outside of the norm of society is queer in some way, although not everyone would see it that same way. Queer is an important label for same-sex/gender-loving people to embrace, definitely, but I also think queer moves beyond that label as well.

If we define queer as what it’s not, meaning not normal, just about everyone would be able to be labeled queer. I’m not sure if I’ve ever met a normal person in my life, society perpetuates this idea of normalcy, but that doesn’t mean it exists anywhere, and usually those who think they are normal would not be considered normal by others, so where does that leave us?

Personally I dislike the term ‘normal’ for a variety of reasons, including the fact I have a degree in Psychology, but also because I have never believed that normal exists. People are just too damn individualistic for anyone to fit into a stereotypically cookie cutter image of what we are told we should be. Granted, this is a very western concept.

Back to queer sex vs. straight sex: personally I believe there is a different feeling to queer sex than there is to straight sex (though I try not to have straight sex at all, but every once in a while my sex slips into the realm of less-queer). Queer sex just feels a little, well, queer. It feels subversive and non-normal, even if it is normal to us and our bodies and desires. That’s not to say that there is anything wrong with non-normal, quite the contrary, I think it’s necessary.

Queer sex, to me, can happen between people of any sex or gender. The times I feel my sex is slipping into less-queer territory are those instances when Onyx and I have had quickie sex in nearly missionary position (I say nearly because my legs are up and not flat) with little foreplay and sometimes little attention paid to me. This has only happened infrequently, and usually when we’re both tired but wanting sex. I consider it far from the queerer sex we have which includes toys, various positions, or me fucking him rather than him fucking me.

That’s not to say that just anyone who doesn’t have missionary sex is having queer sex, although that is one possible definition. As I mentioned above I believe there has to be some sort of queer intent, though that is a very broad topic and definition. Also, I think queer sex must also occur between queer people, though that definition is also very broad and open to interpretation.

Now to throw kinky sex into the mix. Kinky sex can be defined in a similar way to queer sex in that it can be defined by what it isn’t, and what it isn’t is vanilla, or normal, but see my dialogue about normalcy? Is there really any such thing? What do we consider to be not kinky?

Perhaps I should define kinky in a way other than exclusion, though I’m not sure how to do that because it is also subtle and it depends entirely on perspective and personal definition. I posit that just as most people could be deemed queer due to having anything other than narrowly-defined non-queer sex that most people could be deemed kinky for having anything other than narrowly-defined non-kinky sex.

That, or we just need to get rid of these labels all together, but that brings me to another theory on labels: that we must define them then broaden them in order to be able to abolish them, so perhaps that’s what I’m working on doing right now!

And what about the quote in the image above? Is anything you do really only kinky the first time, because after you do it that desensitizes you to it, making you think less of the kink factor of it and more of the enjoyment of it? That makes sense in some ways, and it’s been my experience that people tend to measure others against their own experiences rather than the so-called “normal” experience expectation.

However, what constitutes kinky sex? For some it would be using toys and props such as dildos, vibrators, restraints, or blindfolds; for others it would be engaging in “extreme” activities such as S&m, D/s, watersports, or enemas; for others threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes are kinky. Just like queer sex, there is a wide range of what could be considered kinky sex, and it all depends on the person putting that label on it. I do believe that kinky sex has an intention behind it, just like queer sex does, but it is also just as difficult to pin down.

What I’m trying to say is that there are definitely differences between these three “types” of sexual interaction, and none of them are better or worse than others as long as you are interacting the way you enjoy and desire to interact. I’m not saying that straight sex is bad, though I do wonder how many people actually have it. I am saying that more people have queer sex than most people may think, but I’m also saying that labels and definitions such as queer and kinky are difficult to pin-down, and perhaps shouldn’t be pinned down.

UPDATE: The auction has ended, and the character has been snatched up! I’ll reveal more as the winner is comfortable with it, but thanks for everyone who helped publicize this process.

Want to go on a wild ride with me?

NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month – it’s a project done every year by thousands of people all over the world, to write a novel of 50,000 words or more in a month. I’ve done it twice – once producing my novel Nawashi, and the next year producing the sequel, Jujun. I’m gearing up now to do it again, and I have a helluva story to tell - Twisted Monk himself, upon hearing about it, said it was “…fucking brilliant!” It’s set in the same world as the other two, but with all new characters.

And I’d like you to be one of them.

More than that, I’d like to take you along with me on this month-long journey through the mind and words of an author under pressure. So I’ve opened an e-bay auction for the role. What am I auctioning off? Glad you asked.

1. Before November 1, I will interview you to do character development, designing a major character in the book to be based on you. I’ll even use your name if you’d like, or keep it as anonymous as possible. I’m not talking about a minor character that gets killed in Chapter 2, either. I’m talking a major, plot-developing pivotal role guaranteed to survive until at least the last chapter (I make no guarantees after that, though). The character may be evil, may be good, may be a sultry lust-kitten of doom.  But the basis will be you.
2. When November hits, we’re off. Normally NaNoWriMo authors will post excerpts of their work every day or so, just to show where they’re at. You, the winner of the auction, will get unrestricted access – as in, everything I write in the book. You’ll see my brain in it’s naked twisted creative glory, see the parts I take out, the parts that I wish I could keep, you’ll get the whole thing as it happens.
3. Every week in November we’ll get in touch via voice – either Skype or phone – and chat for ½ hour about the book, the characters, your thoughts and my plans for the characters and plot. Now, this doesn’t give you creative control over the book at all – but it does give you input, and I may steal – er, that is, listen to your ideas as we go, as well.
4. Finally, you get some tangible goodies as well. There is a necklace that will figure heavily in the plot – an amber necklace, designed and hand made by my own davalochka. This is a real object – an actual piece of jewelry. It’s going to be a prime factor in the conflicts and motivations. And at the end of the month…you get it. For keeps.
5. One more thing (yes, I’m a Mac user, why do you ask?)…you also will get, at the end, a copy of the book printed through Lulu.com. And on that book, it will say “by Graydancer, with [insert your name here]“. Because if I’ve spent that much time with you on this book, you deserve to have your name on it.

The auction is going to be short – three days only. So tell your friends, pool your funds, and get in on part of one of the hottest BDSM urban fantasy novels ever written in November! Click here for the ebay auction - after October 18th, it’s done, and you’ll just have to wait for the book.

San Francisco, CA - Madison Young, the kinky girl next door, will be in Minneapolis this weekend at the Smitten Kitten on Saturday and Sunday at 7:00pm. Bear witness to this revolutionary porn star sharing her secrets on how to create queer feminist bdsm porn on Saturday, and a reading from her forthcoming memoirs, The Tail of a Bondage Model on Sunday.

Have you ever wanted to dabble in creating your own porn for you and your lover, for commercial distribution, for your own kinky pleasures?  Learn how from the perspective of porn producer, director and performer and activist extraordinaire Madison Young.  Those in attendance will be able to ask burning questions about the LA porn scene as well as the San Francisco queer art and porn world.  Madison will be also showing clips from her upcoming movie releases.

Madison Young will be available for autographs and questions at both events and will be bringing with her limited addition Madison Young’s Erotic Breast Self Exam Posters.

Both events will be well attended. Please RSVP by calling 612-721-6088.
The Smitten Kitten is located at 3010 Lyndale Avenue South
Minneapolis, MN 55408
http://www.smittenkittenonline.com.

For more information, please contact Brian Gross, BSG PR, (818) 340-4422. Email: brian@Bsgpr.com.

About Madison Young:
Madison Young is an international award-winning bondage model and pornstar. Ms. Young has been awarded “Best SM Suspension Model” by Bishop Awards and was the submissive star of last year’s AVN Award-winning BDSM video. She has been directing BDSM and erotic films since 2005 and has won great acclaim for her video line, Madison Bound Productions. Madison Bound Productions has been awarded the 2008 Feminist Porn Awards and has been gaining attention from the erotic film festival circuit.

According to Young, “Our high quality productions, girl-next-door appeal, and hardcore queer sex in a bright, sex-positive atmosphere is what our fans are drawn to. It’s porn that couples watch together, appealing to both a straight/queer and kinky/vanilla audience.” Ms Young intends on revolutionizing the porn industry one wanker at a time with hot, aggressive queer and kinky rough sex. When Madison isn’t performing and directing, she is running her own non-profit feminist arts organization, Femina Potens Art Gallery (www.feminapotens.org) , which has produced over 200 LGBT art events in the last four years.

Tags: BDSM, book reading, Erotic Breast Self Exam Posters, Femina Potens Art Gallery, Feminist, kinky, la porn scene, LGBT art, LGBT art events, Lydia Daniller, madison young, porn, Press release, Queer, san francisco queer art world, san francisco scene, Smitten Kitten

Choosing one’s coffee table book requires much thought. You want it to be entertaining. You want it to be pleasing to the eye. You want it to say something about you and the things you love.

Finally, I’ve found mine.

I was perusing my local Borders, the sexuality section of course, when I saw it.

It was monstrous.

It was heavy.

It was a big, thick cock.

On the cover of a big thick book. The Big Penis book to be precise.

I opened it up never giving thought to the possibility that people watching me flip through a book littered with pictures of big cocks might raise some eyebrows. I salivated over page after page of wondrous penises. Long, thick, coming in many wonderful colors and attached to a plethora of beautiful men.

This book is a cock lover’s dream.

In addition to the stunning photography there is also lots of interesting research (yes, I read the words too) on the history of the penis, the large one in particular, and its representations in pop culture throughout history.

Words cannot express how much I love this book. I love to flip through the pages and wonder if any of the men I know have dicks this beautiful. I love to thumb through it and wonder where they found these models. I love to come across a particular page and think to myself “Damn, is that thing even real?”

Now, seeing as how I don’t actually own a coffee table, my Big Penis Book rests prominently on my couch.

On Saturday, my grandmother (I’ve written about her, the one who thinks I’m going to hell in a hand basket) dropped in unannounced. She woke me up so I didn’t have time to prepare. I let her in and she plopped onto the couch right next to the 10 inch beauty on the cover.

Suddenly, I was having flashbacks to the time she found my box of dildos under my old bed after I’d moved out.

She glanced toward the general direction of the cock but didn’t say anything. We were both content to pretend it wasn’t there.

Moral: don’t buy this book unless you plan to put your new photographic cock collection proudly on display.

As a side note, I’d like to say that I am not a size queen. Yes, I love a big dick as much as the next gal but I’ve had completely satisfying sex with average sized penises and even those on the smaller side.

Oh and because I’m a black woman, l feel obligated to debunk the myth of the black man’s sexual prowess right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my world rocked by more than my fair share of black men (hi Lorenzo) but my toes have curled and my walls have stretched for black and white (hi Matt) men alike, and everyone in between for that matter (really, as long as you’re working with the right equipment, I’m not particular about what color that equipment is, even if it’s purple and made of plastic).

I digress.

Buy this book.

Tags: bog penis book, Books, penis

Reading Jamye Waxman’s book, “Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation,” has me thinking today about masturbation, in particular society’s views of women and masturbation. Masturbation isn’t science, necessarily, though plenty of people have done their share of research on the subject. Masturbation is a funny word. Say it in the wrong company and you’ll be shamed. Deny doing it and you’ll be called a liar. Do it too much and people will say you’re substituting sex for masturbation. Do it in the wrong place and you’ll go to jail! Masturbation has all kinds of negative stigmas attached to it, especially for women.

As an adolescent I remember being curious about masturbation, but I knew well-enough from the nonverbal cues in our home and society that it was not a proper topic of discussion. I sought out books from the bookmobile on my changing body and sexuality and then hid them as though they were pornography, ashamed that I had read them. As a parent, I don’t want to pass along this masturbation-negative message to my children. It’s not something we need to discuss every day at dinner, but I don’t want my girls to feel dirty for reading a book like this that teaches them how to enjoy the ultimate gift - giving yourself pleasure. We teach our children to love themselves, but we discourage them from loving themselves.

Masturbation can be a badge to be worn by boys, who quite frequently discuss jerking off while it is a shield of shame worn by girls who got “caught” with their hands down their pants. If you’re a man reading this, chances are that you don’t really need any tips on masturbating - I bet you got it figured out a long time ago and you’ve probably even compared notes with someone else. It’s more socially acceptable for men to masturbate, or at least talk about masturbating, than women. But if you are a woman like my sister, you need a book to guide you through the motions. It’s not that I doubt that you can find your own clitoris or vagina, but there’s more to masturbating than the physical rubbing of organs and even a seasoned pro like myself can learn a thing or two!

Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation is for women (and adolescent girls) who have grown up in a society that has historically discouraged the ultimate safe sex act - masturbation. Women who may have been taught that their bodies are dirty, only to be touched in the dark but never looked at or discussed in the light of day. Virtually, all of us.

Jamye Waxman has done a fantastic job of covering all the bases. In one book she manages to teach the history of masturbation, anatomy and how to get comfortable touching yourself, different techniques for getting off (including one of my favorites, mutual masturbation), and thoroughly discusses sex toys and sexual fantasies. Her approach is very straight forward and honest, including the language, which is never obscene despite using a few of the Seven Dirty Words. For me, it was like having a refresher course in sex-ed, but with genuine and honest sex-positive information, useful tips, and advice for finding your own ways of Getting Off.

Thanks to Seal Press for sending me Getting Off to read and review. Seal Press has a fantastic library. Take a look if you are looking for a good book to curl up with as fall comes on quickly. An extra personal thank you to Jayme, who is helping me to raise a well-balanced teenager, who has power over her sexuality rather than seeking power through it.

Tags: book, book review, Elaisted, getting off a womans guide to masturbation, jayme waxman, Masturbation, review, Seal Press, Sex Education, sex positive books, women and masturbation

Now FREE online: Health Care Without Shame: A Handbook for the Sexually Diverse and Their Caregivers. It’s wonderful that this has become a free resource!

Or, if you prefer a hardcopy, you can get it at Amazon.com.
Some Amazon reviews:
“This book is a really outstanding source for doctors, counselors, therapists, as well as patients/clients who have experienced difficulties communicating their sexual problems to their health care provider. Moser’s unique education (Phd in sexology as well as a MD), vast research experience, and knowledge in sexual minorities make him the most qualified individual in the field to write this book. The text is short and sweet, to the point, informative, and draws upon Moser’s experience as a physician specializing in sexual medicine. I felt the dual nature of the book (for providers and patients) was useful because it enables everyone to ponder both aspects of the interaction. His recommendations explain how to take control of your health care situation, including what is necessary and what is not. Providers will find this book useful and aid them in developing nonjudgmental techniques with their patients. The explanation of the nature of health care coverage is also informative. Overall, I highly recommend this book. As a human sexuality counselor/educator I can appreciate Moser’s dedication to the field.”
“Several times I have struggled with seeing a doctor about a health-related problem because it might mean I’d have to disclose information about my sexuality. This book tells you how to do so in an informed and calm manner.
Charles IMHO is a hero for writing this book. Not only is there information for the patient on dealing with a doctor’s concern about your “alternative lifestyle,” (ie the section called “For Consumers”) and any related health concerns but also a section for Health care workers near the end of the book (the section called “For Practioners”).”

Tags: Books, Kink, zilledefeu

I noticed in Dirty Words that there were entries for “Dirty Sanchez” and “Dirty Talk” but not “Dirty” itself. So I wrote something, very on the fly, two hours beforehand. “Did you really write it two hours before?” my friend Flora asked me. “You always say that.” But I really did. I was in a kind of dark headspace and writing about it helped, and I’m glad I did. I forget sometimes to journal, to write, to capture things as they occur, before they utterly change on me.

And I got utterly seduced by the second person. I’ve used it so sparingly in the past, and think that’s its proper place. I never really studied much in the way of proper English, but I realized that I write in second person when I want to write something very personal, but also distance myself from it. It’s not “I,” not “me,” but “you” even though “you” is really me. I think why it works is because by saying “You,” even though the listener/reader knows the writer is often using “you” as a substitute for “I,” it draws them in. It could be talking about any “you” out there in that crowd.

It’s seductive, an instant come-on, whereas “I,” which I use so much, by comparison sounds haughty, audacious, bragging. “I” can only be about the author, whereas “you” takes on a universality that is broad enough to invite everyone in. In so many ways, it’s more confessional. I’m fascinated by it. The other piece I wrote was called “Memories” and it was one of two breakup erotica stories I wrote back in 2004 that I’m glad I did, but still killed me to write.

I felt stronger after I wrote this, and I actually walked into Happy Ending with one idea of how my night would go, and the night, and the people in it, surprised me, in a very good way. I don’t know if that has anything to do with the writing, but I’m glad I got the words out. I think I sounded more confident than I usually do when reading and I credit the second person for it. And because this is the internet, you even get links. Read at In The Flesh Reading Series, September 18, 2008.

“Dirty”
by Rachel Kramer Bussel

You look up a piece you wrote in 2003 about being “dirty,” one that now makes you cringe the same way those artifacts of childhood creativity your mom has saved does. It feels juvenile, the words a weak version of who you are or maybe who you were. But still, they are there, on the Internet, forever, and they say things like:

I want to be nervous, a little bit scared, uncertain. I want my clit and my pussy to be scared too, to try and anticipate what will happen next and be thrown off guard by a slap or a pinch or a pull. I want the pain of a hand falling full force against my ass, making it burn and seethe, and knowing that there’s more waiting for me. I need that fear, that edge, to hover over. I need my lover to act differently with me than they do on the street, to treat me rougher or meaner or more fiercely, anything that distinguishes our sex from our average conversation.

You’ve almost forgotten what the good kind of Dirty is like, the kind where you do the walk of shame, or the subway ride of shame, and shop at Kmart before work. The kind where you push everything else in your head aside to whisper fantasies into your cell phone, letting the heat wash over you. The kind where sex becomes central, a daily part of your being, like breathing, not a burden or a worry or a stress, not just a word in your book title or MySpace slogan devoid of meaning. That part makes you feel the wrong kind of Dirty, the slimy kind where you almost can’t look at yourself in the mirror, wondering if you’re living the wrong life instead of being shacked up somewhere with babies and calm.

You forget what Dirty really feels like, or you remember in stolen moments, flirtations and forbidden fantasies. You debate wearing a dress, or lingerie, or nothing at all for a calendar, wonder if you’ll feel about posing nude as you do about HBO showing you masturbating forever, an endless reminder of memory of wantonness. Part of you wants to be captured like that, and part of you wants to hide, save it for someone special. As much as you know that “dirty” is always subjective, that sex and judgment and what’s proper and what’s not are all in the eyes of the beholder, the words that flow from your fingers you’re pretty sure are universally “dirty.” Your work starts to take a dark turn, full of rape fantasies and bukkake and dual blowjobs and crying during spankings. They say things like:

I pin her arms down and can feel her thrashing beneath me. “Don’t,” she says, letting out a whimper as she tries to undo my hold on her. I go slower even though I want to shove my way into her cunt, hurt her with my cock. I go slow so we can both savor the feel of me taking this from her. “No,” she says again, this time more quietly, and I chance lifting one hand to hold it over her mouth. I had no idea how hot that could be, to have a girl who’s struggling with her desire, who’s wet as can be but is trying to protest. It may be an illusion but it’s one I’m buying.

You wonder if you haven’t chosen the wrong profession, wonder if sex is not the topic you should cover by day, then obsess over at night. You get confused when people want your opinion about it, yet you are drawn to it over and over. The gap between that person, that persona, or some mix of the two, the girl from 2003 with all those yearnings, and the girl in 2008 whose yearnings are of a far more maternal nature, grows bigger.

Yet the words keep coming, even as Dirty itself becomes mundane. You have a dream/fantasy, or fantasy/dream, you’re not really sure which. There’s a girl—you don’t know exactly what she looks like, but she’s pretty, and her very presence turns you on. She’s kissing your lover, right there in front of you, soft, and then less soft. You’re part of it but you’re not, there to look and observe and maybe dictate, but not to join. You don’t tell anyone, until now, even though you think about writing him a letter on the pale green lined notepad you bought, the one that came from Staples in a pack with pink and blue, the one you thought would make you organized. You see the letter in your head, your handwriting, but that’s where it remains, because you can’t see afterwards. You don’t know what would happen after it would be received, don’t know how it would be taken, don’t know if it would brand you the wrong kind of dirty, the kind that makes you more of a freaky than fuckable.

Suddenly you start to rethink everything you thought you knew about being dirty. Is wanting sex dirty? Is desiring other people dirty? You don’t think using your vibrator is dirty, but still, you don’t do that as often as you used to. Even lying next to each other, you start to feel something well up from inside, and you’re torn between pushing it back and letting it take over. The words, much simpler ones than those you type into a screen, sit there, moved from your core up through your lungs, then your throat, until they are on the tip of your tongue, but you don’t. Or you can’t. You curl up under the covers and think about it, and try not to cry, try not to want.

You feel like you don’t know very much at all, but you do know this: That Dirty should not feel like this, sinful, scary, silent. Dirty should not be a code word for wanting but not having, for craving that never seems to end. Dirty, the good kind, should make you love your body more, love that it comes first, not last. You hope there is a time when Dirty will come back to you, mellow out, make its peace. Until then, it’s a word, a feeling, lurking around your edges, more work than play.

[This is cross-posted on behalf of Rachel from Lusty Lady. My review of Dirty Girls is found on CatalinaLoves.com]

Tags: anthologies, Dirty Words, In The Flesh Reading Series, Lusty Lady, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Relationships, second person, Sex

Recently I received a copy of the book, “Dirty Girls,” from Seal Press to review.

I’m an introduction junkie. I know that some readers, especially readers of erotica, tend to jump right to the “good part”, but in this case the introduction is as interesting as the smut. The introduction asserts that being a nice girl and a dirty girl aren’t conflicting identities. If you are a woman that has grown up in the United States, then you know that from the time we are in middle school we all knew how important it was to protect our reputations. Your older sister, your Mom, your peer group - from all around there was a message to choose a side: Nice Girl or Dirty Girl. Many of my friends and I grew up believing not only did we have our Nice Girl reputations to protect, but as we grew up and went off to college, we adopted feminist dogma that the ojectification of women was wrong in all cases and sadomasochism is really just a fancy way of saying domestic violence. Even as adults, many women believe they have to make a choice between being the perfect wife and mother at the PTA Club or being the Desperate Housewife at the Country Club.

Rachel Kramer Bussel points out that this isn’t a binary choice, but, in fact we can have it both ways. As modern women and as feminists, we can allow ourselves to be just as dirty as those “dirty girls” without losing the good girl reputation we’ve so desperately tried to maintain to the outside world.

Indeed, those of us who are teachers, librarians, soccer moms, bank tellers, and scientists are just as perverted, kinky, and dirty as they come. We may just be better at compartmentalizing that aspect of our sexuality. Dirty Girls gives us good girls an opportunity to unleash our inner sluts and fantasize about that which we might otherwise condemn (objectification of women and sadism/masochism for example). It is the intersection where dirty and sweet meet.

Between the time I received the book and the time I finished reading the book I twitter-met Rachel Kramer Bussel, the editor of the anthology of erotica written by 27 very dirty girls. I had the opportunity to ask her a few questions about the book that I’ll share before I give you my thoughts.

At the time when you wrote the introduction to the book, you said that your self-proclaimed motto was “I can be dirty and sweet at the same time”. Do people who know you as the Cupcake Blog Lady know that you are also the editor of an anthology of erotica written by and for dirty girls? Are the two girls (dirty and sweet) integrated or very separate in your daily life?

Unfortunately, some of the readers of my cupcake blog are not so thrilled with the erotica side of my work. I don’t publicize it there but there is a link, and some people are offended. I just see them as two sides of who I am and what I’m passionate about. I think it’s really an artificial divide in our culture – sex, and then “real life.” But of course everyone has some kind of sex, it’s just not talked about.

It’s funny because even though my full-time job is as Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations (http://www.variations.com), they are actually really separate. I don’t get to have sex very often (my boyfriend lives across the country from me) and when I’m working, whether it’s editing or writing, usually I’m in “work mode.” Sometimes I do get turned on by what I’m reading or writing, but mostly it’s an intellectual, brainy turn-on.

I think working so much with sex writing forces me to recognize where one side starts and one ends. I used to blur them way too much, and now I really value getting to have this creative outlet that’s PG and fun and simple and then the sexual stuff separate. I have 2 Flickr accounts, 2 YouTube accounts – but I don’t mind. I love that some people know me as the cupcake girl, and some know me as the smut girl, and then there’s, well, “the real me” that my friends know.

How did you come across the stories that were included in the anthology? Were they submitted to you or did you seek them out? Are they representative of any particular style or genre of erotica?

I wrote to my favorite female erotica writers and asked them for their hottest stories for Dirty Girls, the ones that maybe crossed boundaries or broke taboos or were simply steamy. I wanted as wide a range as possible to reflect the many, many ways women fantasize and eroticize and have sex. Obviously, 27 stories can’t do justice to all of that, but I think there’s a range from romantic and sweet to down and dirty and kinky, sex with strangers, sexual role models, heterosexual, bisexual and lesbian stories, happy and light stories and darker, more intense stories. Many of the stories are challenging; they don’t all have a happy ending, but I do think they’re all erotic in their own way. And I truly think the book is worth its cover price for Marie Lyn Bernard’s story “Fucking Around” alone. She really broke new ground with this map of sexual conquests, bringing humor and heartbreak and sex and romance all into one amazing story. I’m so proud of Dirty Girls but I do want to clarify one thing – the publisher had me put “erotica for women” as the subtitle (which I’d originally called “erotica by women”) and I totally think men as well as women can enjoy Dirty Girls (the book and the people)!

Your own work is there, “Icy Hot,” and so of course it was the first story I had to read, which left me wondering… did it really happen? Even if you have to lie to me, did it really happen?

Now I’ve have learned to write fiction, so no, this one didn’t happen, but it was fun to think about! Back when I started most of my stories were true or largely true. I feel prouder of the fictional stories, though I also think it’s a testament to very hot real sex when you can take a true event and turn it into erotica; that’s clearly about much more than just narrating the details. I had written it for an anthology about sex with strangers, which I didn’t get into, so I decided to put it in Dirty Girls. Also, even when it’s fiction, there’s always some very true and honest element in the work; I think I have a fantasy about going off with a complete stranger and not getting their name and fucking them silly, but I’m not sure if I’d actually do it (though I never say never). We’re filming a book trailer for it soon and I’m going to “act out” some of the icy parts.

So now that we have permission to tap into our darker side, the erotic tales can just wash over you, like a cascade of kink.

I read anthologies out of order. I always have, I always will. In this case, I went straight to Icy Hot, the short story by Rachel Kramer Bussel to see where her filthy mind would lead. I sat in my physician’s office reading this delicious story about a hot summer day, a hot stranger, and a the last block of ice at the corner market. I love how the story builds - it’s not just a stereotypical erotic fiction story - “So the other day I was in the shower when all of a sudden…” No, in fact, it starts out innocently enough, a girl who is waiting in line for the coveted last chunk of ice on a hot day only to be usurped by an incredibly attractive man who gets to it first. Their banter and exchange is subtly sexy, flirty, fun. The resultant negotiation seems to work out as a win-win for both of them. Read it, yourself! :) I went home and read it to Marky that night!

I will highlight my favorite story, It’s called Like A Good Girl by Alison Tyler. Daddy/Little girl fantasies can be really taboo for women, especially in a culture where we are hypersensitive to pedophilia. But this story doesn’t cross that line into icky. There’s never a hint of pedophilia, just a D/s dynamic that is caring, yet stern, the way a Daddy should be. It’s very tender and intimate in many ways. I don’t want to spoil the story for you, but I love the discussion about whether or not she should wear her collar to work, and along with the breath play, I loved the way that he forces her to confess her dirtiest fantasies to him. It ends with, “You’ll go to sleep with my cock in your mouth,” he said, his voice so deep. “Like a pacifier. Suck it sweetly, girl, and I’ll take care of you in the morning. Suck it like a good girl should”. Erotica doesn’t often make my panties wet, but this one did! And make the leap, my intelligent reader, to how I ended up going to sleep that night.

Finally, the last story I’ll highlight here is the “Cheesy Boots” by L. Elise Bland. The sub and the little girl in me loved reading “Like A Good Girl” and the Domme in me likes “Cheesy Boots” a lot. In a nutshell, a professional domme learns of a new client’s penchant for mixing his food fetish, trampling fetish, and bootlicking fetish. The result is a very interesting scene that is unpredictable. I thought it was going to go one direction and then it went a totally different way. I like that in a story! The other thing that stands out in mind, because I am a Domme, is her self-assessed lack of control and her recomposure. In a lot of FemDom erotica I read, the Dominatrix comes off as being nasty and sadistic. In this case it’s really much more a matter of control and mindfuck. It’s much more up my alley. So I personally give it a thumbs up. It doesn’t matter really, on which side of the fence you sit on, this story is hot from both sides.

I’d like to recap every one of the stories here, but this post would get mighty long. These are the three that I chose because I think they represent the wide variety of erotica that is found in the book. Nobody wants to read the same story written 27 different ways. These are all very distinct, all very well-written, and I think make for a nice month’s worth of nighttime reading.

My only criticism of the book aligns with Rachel’s own observation that while it’s marketed as a book of erotica for women, I know just as many men who would enjoy this book. In fact, Marky read this book with me at night - each story, one by one, I read aloud to him in bed. It was a really great way for both of us to shift gears from being immersed in erotica and erotic art all day to enjoying it for the purpose for which it was intended: to turn us on! Reading a story out loud to your partner requires time and attention, two things that couples really need more of, wouldn’t you agree? It became a playful game. As I read out loud we went from sitting in bed together, to touching, to sometimes me still reading it to him (trying really hard to hold it together enough to read it to him) as he went down on me. (Talk about the epitome of dirty and sweet intersecting!)

A lot of readers ask me for advice on how to ramp up your sex life. Here is some good advice: Buy a good erotica book, Dirty Girls, and read it to your partner. It does not matter the gender of your partner - you will both enjoy it and the inevitable result will be heightened arousal and increased intimacy.

As the introduction implies, we (women) can be outwardly sweet and yet internally filthy at the same time. Much like our sweet and filthy selves, Dirty Girls looks sweet and “erotic” on the outside, but within it lie page after page of smut. Good smut.

Photography by AlteredAperture.com

Tags: AlteredAperture.com, Anthology, book reviews, catalina, Catalina Loves, catalinaloves.com, Cupcake Blog, dirty girls, Erotic Fiction, erotica, Erotica Anthology, Erotica by Women, Erotica by women for women, erotica for women, princess in the streets whore in the streets, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Seal Press, Smut

NAWASHI is an erotic urban fantasy, the story of a man who discovers that underneath the world of kink lies a global power struggle. Drawn into it , he struggles to develop his own rope magic and protect his family from the forces which now consider him a threat.

And what do others say about it? Glad you asked!

• “Nobody does kinky deep-character-driven sex-magic urban fantasy like Graydancer.” — Steve Eley, Escape Pod
• “I couldn’t stop reading this book! Graydancer seduces us down an erotic rabbit hole…a suspenseful and gratifying combination.” - Rita Seagrave, Kinkmogul.com
• “The strength that Graydancer gives the womyn in this story is on par with how I feel womyn should be in erotica. Submissive is not stupid nor is it weak and Graydancer’s story illustrates this beautifully.”- Ms. Behavin, Foxy Veronica’s Peach Pies
• “I’m completely and utterly hooked. It contains two of my favourite topics: BDSM and magic. Sure, I have read my share of non-fiction books and articles about both, separately and together, but never have found any fiction that addresses the topics so well, so naturally, so believably.” - Traeonna Wagener, co-author of Creating Magickal Entities

And for those who are wondering - yes, the sequel, Jujun, is currently in production at podiobooks.com, and will be launched any day now.

I’ve just received 100 copies of my novel, Nawashi, to bring with me to various events that I’m traveling to in the next couple of months. Those events are:

* Spankfestival (Black River Falls, WI) - Sept. 4-7
* Central Ohio Perversion Excursion (Columbus, OH) - Sept. 11-14
* Toronto GRUE (Toronto, Canada)- October 3-6

If you’d like a book at any of those places, let me know in advance so I can bring a copy for you. I’d be more than happy to inscribe a copy for you, or whomever. I’ll also have a few CDs of the audiobook version in MP3 format. I’ve a lot fewer of those, so if you want one, now’s the time to let me know.
If you want an autographed copy and you’re not going to be going, well, I can still help you out - just click on that “donate” button on the front page of my site

and send $20 and it will appear on your doorstep. Or mailbox, or…well, you get the idea.

You will also be able to order copies directly from the publisher,  but they do actually lack that personal touch…

Meanwhile, for more of a “how to”…

Lord Morpheous’ book is released! And even better, he has a kickass launch party planned at the same location as the upcoming Toronto GRUE!

It is shipping all last week so if you ordered it online from amazon.com it will come directly from the distrubution centre in the U.S.  I picked up a few copies of my own from my publisher yesterday and here is it is, featuring Toronto’s own fetish model Slinka on the cover.  All of my models I used, I want to express biggest thanks for helping make it a reality for me. It was a long year in the making and I am very pleased with the result.

So, if you are looking for your very own copy, you will be able to get it via book stores in your local city - in the U.S. Borders will be carrying it, (it is a little too racey for Barnes and Noble) here in Toronto, Northbound Leather and Come As You Are, as well as Seductions will all be carrying it.  Amazon.com of course has it and if you walk into a book store and they don’ t have it, you can order it through them using the ISBN # 978-1-931160-63-6  Price is $16.95 - a small price for such a valuable tome.

Now for the big news - the offical launch party for the book will be handled by Northbound Leather at their Sept 6 fetish party at Goodhandy’s Club downtown here in Toronto at Church and Richmond.  Doors open around 10pm, there is a dress code of fetish or play wear and a small cover.  There will also be copies of the book available for purchase exclusively by Northbound Leather at the club.  The stage show is something we are still working on but if you know Goodhandy’s Club then you know we will be able to have the wildest (as determined by the latest ruling of the Supreme Court of Canada) stage show EVER for a book launch!  Most of the models in the book will be at the launch to chat and dance as well I have some fetish models flying in from the States for it.

It is not to be missed!

Tags: Graydancer, lord morpheous, ropecast

Download Episode #20 of Bedroom Radio (15MB, 24 minutes)

In this episode, I interview the amazing, prolific Rachel Kramer Bussel about her new book Spanked. We talk about our favorite ways to give and get spankings and she reads a very hot excerpt from the book.

Be sure to listen to learn about your chance to win a copy of Spanked for yourself! You have to hear the show to know the rules for the contest, but I’ll give you a hint. This picture of my tushy after a spanking is an important clue:

Other links of note for this episode:
The rest of the Spanked virtual book tour
The Spanked blog
Dark Odyssey Summer Camp

************************

Contact Me Like This:
Email: bedroomradio@gmail.com
Voicemail: 206-339-5939
Website: bedroomradio.blogspot.com
Blog: www.lumpesse.com
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Tags: Books, contest, Rachel Kramer Bussel, spanked, Spanking

Crossposted from Pornocracy

It’s here. After pestering and spamming you with reminders, August 14 has finally arrived, and with it, pictures of naked men for your ogling pleasure.

We’re starting off small in number, but high in sexiness. Starting off the first edition is Match, who provides us with two shots of himself really enjoying Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica. Match’s photos are just plain fun. Plain sexy fun.

Match
Impromptu Self-Photoshoot 1 of 2

Impromptu Self-Photoshoot 2 of 2

The second and final participant in the first ever Naked Blog Boy Roundup is… Me! Yes, Gabe is using this opportunity to indulge his exhibitionism and get more of you lovelies to undress him with your eyes. Except that he’s already undressed. I let Elizabeth run wild with the camera, and I think she did a damn fine job. Of course, she was working with a gorgeous model.

Gabe
Me? Sexy?

I hope you enjoy the photos, and a big thanks to Match for jumping on this idea and submitting his photos!

Getting involved in the next Naked Blog Boy Roundup is easy. Take some sexy pictures of yourself (or your favorite blog boy), post them, then send the URLs to me at (gabe at bestsexbloggers dot com). The next Roundup will go up here at Pornocracy on (Half Naked) Thursday, September 18.

Want to know the reasoning behind my starting this? Take a gander at this post.

Until next time, Blog Naked!

I keyed this phrase about a year ago & started using it whenever I spoke or wrote about the people around me with similar interests coming together for similar purposes…

It was officially used for an event I helped organize & taught at called Beyond Leather in 2007.  The first year of this event was wonderful & it epitomized the phrase CommUNITY. Our very own Graydancer was a presenter last year as well. Check out the site & sign up for BL 2008!

I know this is supposed to be blog of my ideas but… I would rather those who see this word & will hopefully use it in their own writing would help me write this entry.  So, please comment below on your ideas on the word and concept  of CommUNITY and the way it is spelled & I will add your comments to the entry daily.

Let’s do this as a CommUNITY….

Spread the word!!!!  Tell all of your friends about this post!

A FetLife CommUNITY -  CommUNITY Builders…

Tags: Add new tag, agree, CommUNITY, friendship, groups, kinky, Life, Lochai, respect, Sex, share

I am overwhelmed with emotion and at a loss for words at the outpouring of support that people in our community have shown our family by donating prizes for the raffle, buying tickets, cross posting to spread the word, and the kind words that have gotten us through a very difficult time. We are proud to say that our personal need has been met and good (us, the sinners) triumphs over evil (them, the morally superior). To feed off of Graydancer’s post, we have proven that “a community proving that a community of pervs cares more about her education than an administration full of assholes.”

This means that instead of being my personal mission to fight for my daughter, I am on a bigger mission for the greater cause. I recognize that I am not the only person going through this battle. In fact, it’s a series of small battles that are all a part of a greater war on personal freedom, often with children in the crossfire.

This shouldn’t happen, but if you’re living an alternative lifestyle, it very well could happen to you. The only way to combat it is to put on the armor, link up arm-in-arm, and take them on as a commUNITY. That is exactly what I’ve seen in the last few days and I think we can do more!

The raffle continues, as it is scheduled to end on Sunday (8/17/08) at 10pm, but from this point forward, all proceeds will be going to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom as a contribution from the community that has stood together and won this battle. This is our way of supporting the war that has been waged in the land of the free against personal and sexual freedom. At the end of the year, the refunded monies will also be donated on behalf of this community.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is a national organization committed to creating a political, legal, and social environment in the United States that advances equal rights of consenting adults who practice forms of alternative sexual expression. NCSF is primarily focused on the rights of consenting adults in the SM-leather-fetish, swing, and polyamory communities, who often face discrimination because of their sexual expression.

My deepest gratitude to those who have supported and continue to support this cause. I have never felt such a sense of community in my entire life. So here is the current prize list for the new official National Coalition for Sexual Freedom raffle. Check back, as we seem to be adding prizes daily.

From Lochai there are three 5×7 museum signed prints from his recent exhibit at the World Erotic Art Museum, two of them are not only museum signed prints, but are also very limited editions.

Alley Bound and Curves are a limited edition of 10 museum signed prints. If you win, you will receive either 6/10 or 7/10. Beach Bound is Lochai’s iconic World’s Most Erotic Photograph winning piece, and is a signed museum print. (Sold normally at $75/print)

Ellie Lumpesse has donated three books:

The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping With Chicks by Jen Sincero
Aqua Erotica by Mary Anne Mohanraj
The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio by Violet Blue

Ellie is also offering:

a 30-minute private phone session (that can include her amazingly sexy man) if you win.

Sam donated:

custom, hand made jewelry (a necklace and earring set) to a runner up. “It’s not a kinky prize, but pretty,” she said. Pretty indeed! Take a look: http://quem98.livejournal.com/306470.html

Thursday and D donated:

a signed 8×10 print of any one of their photographs
a copy of the book, The Mammoth Book of Illustrated Erotic Women.

And Thursday has also offered:

one of her sexy (orgasmic) voicemails to a lucky winner. Let me tell you, that is one hot prize.

The writer of Between My Sheets offered:

A brand new, still in the package, never been used Silver Bullet Vibe.

And just now I heard from my Naughty Secretary who offered:

Her services as a graphic designer. There are two separate prizes - each being two hours of graphic design time (normally charged at $120/hr). In addition to participating in this raffle, she is doing her own auction to raise money. She is sponsoring a silent auction of one of her paintings on her web page.

Edward, from Exjinn.net, the company that hosts all of our blogs and provides us without outstanding support and service, has offered:

A 50 gig hosting plan from Exjinn.net with 1-year of service.

Essin’ Em:

just donated a copy of the book, Wetter, with her story signed personally for you. As if that weren’t generous enough, she has also offered an 8×10 print!

Sabrina Fox - does the name ring a bell?

Sabrina Fox, as in the redhead hot as fuck bondage and fetish model, Sabrina Fox, was chatting with me today and mentioned that she has a few pairs of latex panties that she recently wore for a photoshoot that would offer as prizes. Latex panties worn by Sabrina Fox, anyone? Oh wait until I tell W about this when she is older.

Jeff Mach commented: (THANK YOU, JEFF!) [This is one of those prizes that I would like to know if you would like to be entered to win. If you're not in the area and can't use the tickets, then they would do you no good, but if you are in that area, then it's a great prize!]

I am running a New Year’s Eve fetish event in New Jersey at the end of this year (on NYE itself). I’ll offer a ticket (that is, admission for two people, including gourmet meal and champagne)

and

I run the Wicked Winter Renaissance Faire, now entering its fourth year, every February - again, in Jersey. We’re going to three days this year, and tickets for all three days would usually be at $40; I can donate two pairs of those, as well.

I feel like George from “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Graydancer, who posted a very insightful post about the society that we live in, just twittered me (it sounds dirtier than it is) and said:

I didn’t realize you were adding prizes. Throw in an audiobook version of my novel, “Nawashi“.

Rose Fox offered a very generous and naughty prize — a very good combination for this crowd!:

I used to review DVDs for AVN, and I’m still on Vivid’s mailing list, so now I have a closet full of unopened Vivid porn DVDs. I’ve been trying to figure out how to donate them someplace and would be delighted to offer them for your cause.

There are too many to catalog, so perhaps 10 “grab bags” of ten DVD’s? I’d do my best to include a varied selection so that the winner is fairly likely to get at least a few titles that suit their tastes.

(Just a note on this: because of the laws regarding the selling of pornography, the winners would need to submit a copy of their ID to Rose in order for her to be able to send them to you.)

Beautiful Rebecca has offered:

an original piece of sensual art from the artist. It was scheduled for a gallery show next year but we would much rather have it go to your cause as it hit home. It is 3×4 metal with an object representing a uterus called, “Oikos Cella”.

Alternatively, for those who win, but don’t feel that this art is right for their home, she is an interior designer and has offered to do a consultation for a room re-do. The details are kind of extensive, so I’ll discuss it with the winner personally.

Ms. Nikki Nefarious and AlteredAperture.com) has donated prints and a rope kit:

Collette for TABU Magazine 8 x 12
Jamie in Latex 8 x 12
Girl’s Best Friend 8 x 12
Scream 8 x 10
GarGirl Bound 8 x 10
The Enforcer 8 x 10
Sarah Sealed 8 x 10
Red Hood 8 x 10

and then A Starter Rope Package (4-pack of multi-colored ropes in different lengths and hemp rope cuffs)

Lily, who calls herself Lily (the rope ho) in her comment has donated

3 x 30ft hand-dyed, processed 6mm hemp kit

Radical Vixen, who most of you know as the editor of the weekly sex blog digest, Sugasm, is a very active political advocate. She has offered two books for the raffle:

She’s on Top: Erotic Stories of Female Dominance and Male Submission
Sex and Bacon: Why I Love Things That Are Very, Very Bad For Me

Thank you, so much! I cannot tell you how moved I am by the random kindness of the community. Lochai’s the one who started the commUNITY concept, but I get it better than ever now.

I’m officially re-launching the “Catalina’s Emergency Tuition Fund Raffle” as the “The Battle Is Won, But the War is Not Over” raffle with all remaining proceeds from this point forward going to NCSF.

Here is the link to buy your virtual ticket.

Tickets are $10.00 each, you can buy as many as you’d like (if you’d like to donate $50.00, for example, I’ll enter your name 5 times). You are not obligated to buy a virtual ticket. You can also just donate to a very worthy cause at any amount.

I really will write down names and put them in a hat, and my daughter can pick the winners. At this point, she is well-aware of what is going on. We’ll choose the winners on August 17th at 10 pm. You will be notified by 10:30 pm by email. Heck, we’ll even try to find someone to film it and show it to you all :)

I’ve never discussed this on my blog before, but recent developments have prompted me to discuss the reason why I’m no longer a teacher. Being Catalina isn’t always a good thing. I separated early this year with my school as a peaceful way to avoid a public scandal that would ultimately affect my teenage daughter, who attended said school.

Part of my agreement I cannot legally discuss - specifically the reasons and terms of my separation - but use your imaginations. I can say that I agreed to leave quietly and peacefully under the condition that my (straight-a’s, honors courses, award-winning, athlete, without a discipline record) child be allowed to attend her last year of middle school just as if I had resigned at the end of the year. Let me spell this out for you. Faculty receive a substantial tuition discount. I pay 10% of the tuition. This roughly amounts to $1,100. After leaving, all faculty are offered one more year for their children at the faculty tuition discount as a way to avoid disrupting their children’s lives too much.

A few days ago the head of my former school called me to tell me that had rescinded his offer and that she was no longer welcome to attend. In the same phone conversation, he changed his mind and decided to honor our agreement. Well, kind of. I came in with the tuition and they refused to accept my payment.

Later I received an email that stated that on top of the faculty tuition, I am also expected to pay student fees, which are not covered under the faculty discount. Okay, so throw in another $900. I can come up with that, even if it means the car payment doesn’t get paid.

The straw that broke this camel’s back? The additional $1,000 expense account that is being demanded by the 18th of August to cover her lunch account (which was roughly $750 last year) and field trip expenses (which are roughly $250). I requested that she not be allowed to charge a lunch in the cafeteria and that she will bring her lunch, which is an option available to (other) parents, to have this fee waived. The field trip charges, I can’t really object to, that seems fair, so mental tab up to $2,200.

I’ve just been informed that the school is unwilling to waive the expense account fee for her lunch account and demands the entire amount be paid. If it is unused it will be refunded to me at the end of the year. Nice of them to at least offer that. This brings up my new grand total to $3,200 in 8 days.

I went from having her tuition paid to being a mile aw