By now you’ve probably had a gander at Ross Douthat’s bloviating treatise for the Atlantic titled ‘Is Pornography Adultery?’… right?

Well, unless you’re a sex-blogger that is, in which case you’ve probably only been reading other sex-blogs, and maybe looking for cheat-codes/possible play-partners from World of Warcraft/Second Life. Because, you know, we’re kind of a weird, insular bunch.

Anyway. This rambling vomitorium is so tedious, so pedantic, and so utterly anachronistic, that a rebuttal almost seems moot. It would be like debating the concept of irony with a golf club and a super-sized jug of St. John’s wort. As such, I’m not really going to present a reasoned, rational rebuttal to this googly-eyed gobbledygook. I’m going to do exactly what needs to be done…

…make fun of it until it cries and runs home to its mom. Because if there’s one thing that white people everywhere need to understand, it’s that you have to stop sweating the small stuff. Getting offended doesn’t get anything done. That’s what cruel-tongued ridicule is for!

So, if you haven’t yet read Mr. Douthat’s article, please do so at this time. Then take this quiz. The answers are at the bottom – but be good, boys and girls (especially boys) – no cheating!

1. According to Mr. Douthat, viewing porn is like adultery when:
A. you are masturbating to someone less attractive than yourself
B. you mail your ejaculate to the person(s) you masturbated to
C. you pay to watch German scat videos
D. you’re in it

It reads kind of like a 527 ad, if the 527s were a somewhat literate bunch. You know, the Kristol Light gang. Besides, chances are that 527 groups would have a hard time taking the stupefying leap of faith from masturbating to Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue (it’s okay; don’t worry), to paying for hardcore porn on the internet (very, very bad). You know you’re in for a long troublesome read when you come across this: ‘the problem of the male libido’. Because, you know, we’re just that dumb.

Okay, so maybe we are. I’ll cop to that.

2. What precisely is ‘the problem of the male libido’?
A. it’s staunchly anti-American and pro-North Korea
B. its allergy to all things Jane Austen and/or Victorianism
C. like a squatter, it leaves in its wake a messy trail of used condoms, empty Funyuns bags, and gooey, shimmering blobs of evil
D. its relentless enthusiasm for really depressing porn
E. its tendency to scream at its wife the following terms of dis-endearment: ‘at least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt’
F. our unabashed love of cockfighting
G. quite frankly, it gets a lot more credit than it really deserves

First off, I am not plugging anything here – not porn; not really, anyway. I mean, for me, porn is like the Constitution – in theory, I love it – but in reality, it tends to get all twisted-up and interpreted worse than Scalia and Roberts trying to translate a Bergman film with their fingers in their ears and chanting ‘la, la, la, la, la, la, la!’

What all of this means is that old porn is okay; today’s porn is analogous to immorality, infidelity, and having sex with prostitutes. Makes sense, eh?

3. The difference between Debbie Does Dallas and Whipped Ass is:
A. 35mm film-stock
B. Debbie Does Dallas was turned into a musical
C. ass-to-mouth action
D. the spanking scene in Debbie Does Dallas was clearly staged; when Whipped Ass whips ass, they really let those asses have it

4. Playboy also earns a special exemption from Mr. Douthat’s formulation of Porns That Are Bad, due to:
A. decades of worthwhile fiction from John Updike
B. decades of excellent martini recipes
C. decades of Mr. Douthat desperately crushing on Shannon Tweed
D. decades of pre-Gawkerish Ivy league hipness
E. decades of Robert Christgau bloviating about jazz

According to Mr. Douthat, Dan Savage is wrong about everything. And for that matter, so are most women. Betcha didn’t know that. But all of that is dressing; the crux of the argument here is the formation of a ‘moral continuum’ between porn-viewing and adultery. Because watching Burning Angel, Bookworm Bitches, or Barely Evil videos online is totally the same thing as having an affair. With your own penis.

5. Who benefits in drawing a “moral continuum” between porn-viewing and adultery?
A. the 527s
B. the sex-positive blogging community, because if there’s one thing we love, it’s politicizing our sex lives!
C. Donny-Boy Wildmon
D. eunuchs

Don’t fight it. It’s universal. Kind of like the demonization of sex.

6. So, why do men cheat?
A. to impress our friends and neighbors
B. because we’re dicks
C. because we practice polyamory in its purest form: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
D. to piss off the lust in Jimmy Carter’s heart

7. And, why do men look at porn?
A. boredom
B. because we’re pretty sure our significant others aren’t going to be terribly interested in reenacting scenes from 2 Girls, 1 Cup
C. boobies!
D. to piss off the lust in Jimmy Carter’s heart

8. Okay. And so, what, if anything, is the correlation?
A. whatever FOX News tells us it is
B. while it may indeed be hard out there for a pimp, it is a far harder thing to be a sex-positive male
C. boobies!
D. if we legalize prostitution, Western civilization will crumble

I’ve been in plenty of relationships. A gaggle of them. And I’ve cheated in more than a few. And you know what? Nothing drove me to it – it’s just that I happen to act like a dick most of the time. Do I really have to blame that on porn? I mean, come on – let me keep my dickishness. I’ve worked hard at it. It’s mine. It’s every man’s. So please stop diagnosing it. I mean, equating adultery with porn-viewing is like comparing Manwich with prime rib - yeah; they’re both beef-based - but that’s about as far as the similarity goes.

9. Judging from his body of work, Ross Douthat most likely is:
A. the large-headed love-child of Karl Rove and a tsetse fly
B. kind of a dick
C. just a simple man trying to spike his page-views with a bit of ludicrous controversy
D. a really funny guy
E. well, he’s no Ezra Klein, that’s for sure

10. And at the end of the day, the shimmering guardian-angel of Mr. Douthat’s argument is:
A. anti-porn, because if there was no porn, there would be no lust in our hearts (oh, shut up and let the little fella dream, okay?)
B. anti-prostitute, because nothing infuriates an ugly man more than having to pay for it
C. anti-woman, because there wouldn’t be porn if it wasn’t for women – logic achieved!
D. anti-internet, because if there was no internet, there would be a lot less porn for the women of the world to turn to for a steadyish paycheck (ha!), and this in turn would better-staff our Wal-Marts, making the American Shopping Experience a far more pleasing one

BONUS QUESTION: So, after having endured all that, what do Mr. Douthat and his ilk probably fantasize about?
A. Sarah Palin in dominatrix garb, spanking their bare little blogger bottoms
B. Rudy Giuliani in dominatrix garb, spanking their bare little blogger bottoms
C. the impending rapture
D. disproving the theory of evolutionism
E. all of the above

Answer Key: 1-D; 2-C&G; 3-A; 4-A; 5-C; 6-B; 7-D; 8-all; 9-E; 10-C; BONUS-E