Sep 15 2008
Where Do I Fit In The Picture
Please let me preface this by saying that if I come across as an idiot or the least bit offensive, I apologize. My intent is not to offend or sound completely stupid, rather I mean only to convey through this post a bit of what I am thinking and feeling. If I’m asked to remove myself from here or from the sex blogosphere then I suppose I would do so and not have to ask why. So, here goes…
I have made absolutely no secret of my bisexuality. My husband knew before we even met in person that I had been with more than a couple of women and he knew how absolutely wonderful those times in my life were. He understood that it was a part of me, like my arms and my heart, vital to my existence.
As time has passed and we have settled into our relationship, into one another, there is a security and a peace that neither of us ever could have imagined. We’re wonderful together, despite our ups and downs. Just as he has accepted me, I have accepted him. With that kind of comfort comes an intimate knowledge of the other person, sometimes so intimate that we often sense the problem before it’s acknowledged.
Such is the case with The Knight and the part of me who adores women.
Not too long ago he told me in no uncertain terms that I was to strike out on my own. My goal? Find my female soulmate. He sat me down in our foyer and explained that it wasn’t an attempt at a possible threesome, rather it was an honest admission to both of us that he knew I was feeling the the void in a way that even I hadn’t yet been able to admit to.
I thought about it. I mulled it over. I wrestled with his words and with my own feelings. I love my husband. No other man in the world is of even the slightest interest to me. I wondered if he wanted me to find a female companion because he wanted to be with someone different too. We’d never really discussed an open marriage in detail, so perhaps…
On and on it went for almost a week. At the end of that week he told me that he wanted no part of it in any way, but that I was to begin my search, period. So I did.
I looked at sites. I signed up for sites. I posted photos. I filled out blurbs and I answered questions until I had no more answers to give. I was brutally honest. I was just who I am.
I came up almost completely empty-handed.
There were two really awesome potentials. Emails and text messages were exchanged. Personal questions were answered. Flirtation was off the charts!
Then nothing. The one is still in touch via text but her life is almost as crazy as mine. Maybe for her it’s just bad timing. I can accept that and I have no doubt that maybe we’ll actually make it around to dinner.
The other? A crisis of faith. She’s a Christian who struggled with whther or not God was frowning on her bisexuality. She just couldn’t go against Gods wishes and plans, against her marriage vows. Well, I couldn’t be rid of that one fast enough. I have enough drama in my own life, thank you very much.
So now I have to wonder…
Where does all of this leave me? Where do I, as a married mother of five, fit into the sexual orientation picture? I know this sounds absolutely insane, but I am looking for my female soulmate. Is that really so wrong? Does that really make me a bad person, a selfish person?
Maybe you can tell me, because I really don’t know.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Wow. This entire post could have been written by me. I really can relate to everything you have said. It IS difficult to look and find what you described. I have been looking too and coming up with nothing going nowhere.
Great post.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Have you checked out Blisswarrior.com yet? Okcupid? When I was looking for a girl, I placed a brutally honest ad on Craigslist. Very specific and to the point. I only got one reply but she was just the type of girl I was looking for. I worded my ad in such a way that it would screen out any undesired responses before they ever got to me. It’s worth a try if you haven’t already done that.
And, no, your search for a meaningful relationship with a woman does NOT make you a bad or selfish person. I think you are a lovely person with a wonderfully in-tune husband striking out to find what your soul wants.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
It really feels almost impossible. I look at the entire thing and wonder if the problem exists with me. Maybe I’m offensive simply because of what it is that I am looking for. Maybe I’m offensive because of my size, my cancer diagnosis or my marital status.
The good news is, I’m not alone. Thank you, Vixen, for commenting.
September 18th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Wonderful post. It is truly tricky sometimes to be bi and married. Many women struggle with these issues. Thank you for sharing! I am voting for your post on Sugasm and hope you win.
xoxoxoxo BLISS
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